Travelling and Tubes

Just got back from Savannah late last night...Ryan was working this week-end. It was a fun but exhausting couple of days. I helped my sister with my nephew's birthday party (and by "helped" I mean pretty much devoted my entire Saturday to running errands, cleaning, setting up, etc. as my 12-week pregnant sis has been in and out of the hospital with severe pregnancy-related nausea, vomiting and dehydration, poor thing).

And I have been meaning to post about this for a week or so but in between all the trips and illnesses, I haven't had much time: Charlie is having surgery tomorrow to have tubes inserted into his ears. Yes, it's come to that. But after talking with quite a few friends and some really good surgeons, we feel that it's right way to go for him, in hopes of avoiding another illness-filled winter and long-term damage to his hearing. SO I just talked to the O.R. and we have to be there at 7:45 am for an 8:45 procedure. I was crying on the phone with this poor woman, in part due to my hormones, I'm sure, but also because I was hoping for (read: had my heart set on) a 5am arrival time. Why, you ask? Because Charlie can't have anything to eat after midnight tonight or anything to drink after 5:45 am tomorrow. As if the thought of my poor little baby having surgery, including general anesthesia (scary!!!), isn't enough, now I have to worry about him being hungry and thirsty on top of that. I just can't handle him begging for food or drink - that will break my heart! And he's a big eater so it's going to be rough. Thank goodness for the car DVD player. Hopefully that will distract him!

So everyone, please pray for Charlie (and us!) tomorrow. Pray specifically for:

1. General anesthesia - very scary for me. I had to sign many papers during the pre-op that list all the possible side effects and risks and believe me, it isn't comforting. And you never know how anyone, much less an 18-month old, will react to the anesthesia. Pray that all will go well, that he'll respond normally, and wake-up on schedule and in good in spirits.

2. The actual procedure - pray for wisdom and skill of the doctors, that the procedure will go well and be effective

3. Peace for Ryan and me - that we will trust our little precious son to his and our heavenly Father

Thanks for your prayers...and we'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty, I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1,2

Did anyone else hear about this? I receive John Piper's weekly newsletter and here's the one from yesterday...warning: tissues may be needed.


What I Said at My Granddaughter’s Funeral
A Granddaddy’s Thoughts
September 26, 2007
By John Piper
Read this resource on our website.
I had the privilege of sitting with my family while Tom Steller and Sam Crabtree ministered to us at the funeral of Felicity Margaret Piper who was stillborn at full term on September 22, 2007. Her father Abraham asked me to speak for five minutes on “A Granddaddy’s Thoughts.” Here is what I said.

I didn’t know Felicity Margaret. My experience of her life was entirely through other people for nine months. And my experience of her death, even though it was physically immediate and touchable, has been emotionally experienced almost entirely through other people.

So at this moment, what it means for me to be Felicity’s grandfather is that I am living this loss almost entirely through other people’s experience of this loss. And because of my love for all these people, there is a powerful sweetness in this pain.

Being Felicity’s grandfather means that I have tasted her loss through my daughters-in-law, her aunts Shelly, Melissa, and Lesley. The measure of her worth and the greatness of her loss have been written on your faces, and they are the more beautiful for it.

Being Felicity’s grandfather means that I have felt her loss in the shattered expectation of her aunt Talitha, my daughter. It was not easy to go to school on Monday. But you and Mommy made a good plan with the school counselor to inform the teachers and students. And now, in a way you never expected, your heart is knit together with Dasia whose little brother Zach was killed by the dog a month ago.

Being Felicity’s grandfather means that I have felt her loss through her uncles and my sons Karsten, Benjamin, and Barnabas. I broke the news to each of you and watched all your plans change. You are good brothers to each other. And I cannot tell you how much I love the tears and embraces of strong men.

Being Felicity’s grandfather means that I have felt her loss through her grandmother, my wife Noël. Strange and wonderful. Your tears came slowly and have increased. Mine came quickly and have decreased. Almost the story of our lives. Thank you for knitting Felicity’s blanket, and weeping as you decided to give it to her anyway.

Being Felicity’s grandfather means that I have felt the loss through her mother, my daughter-in-law Molly. For her entire life she depended on you more than anyone. You fed her, you cleansed her, you supported her, you protected her, you knew her better than anyone. The grace that God has given you to love her greatly and let her go is amazing. Christ is on display in your life.

Being Felicity’s grandfather means that I have felt the loss through her father, my son Abraham. The words from Saturday morning’s phone call are cut into my heart, “Daddy, we lost the baby.” Nothing, Abraham, has gone deeper inside of me than your loss.

Being Felicity’s grandfather means that I have felt the loss through her great grandfather, my father Bill Piper. And this experience is totally different from all the others. In this case, the loss is all gain. My father died six months and sixteen days before Felicity did. I believe the blood and righteousness of Jesus Christ covers the sins of all who trust him and all who are not old enough to trust him here but will trust him later.

Therefore, I believe Felicity and her great grandfather met each other early Sunday morning in the presence of Christ. And my father said, perhaps, “Hello, Felicity. I’m your great grandfather Piper. Come, there is somebody I want you to meet. His name is Jesus. He’s the reason you’re here. You don’t need to be afraid. Your Savior has led you all the way. And Jesus does all things well.”

Here we go!

I'm happy to report that we are having another boy! Yep, in spite of how sure I was that this one was a girl (I feel completely different than I did with Charlie!), it's a boy for sure. Though I'm scared to death of being a mom of two such little boys (Charlie really tries to kill himself and destroy our home daily :)), this is truly wonderful news. I'm sure they will love having each other to play with and fight with and at least I won't be torn between sword fighting and princess dresses! :)

He received a clean bill of health - everything looks good and he is developing normally and on schedule for his 2/21 arrival date. This might sound trite to some of you but a baby growing and developing normally really is a miracle and with Charlie, we were informed of potential kidney problems during this ultrasound so it was such a relief to hear "Your baby looks great!" God is so good to bless us with this new baby and we stand amazed at his greatness in forming him.

Psalm 139...
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

I haven't written in awhile because, to be honest, I have nothing anything new to say...Charlie is still sick, still not napping, I'm still tired, etc. I'm not sure if this is a different bug or just getting worse but last week he got a chest cold. So he had to miss "school" and I had to miss my Friday morning Bible Study. Then we had to miss out on hanging out with friends over the week-end while we were in Savannah for Ryan to work and I had to miss church. You get the idea. He is still coughing and wheezing, in spite of having breathing treatments four times a day and a round of steroids. I'm starting to think that medicine doesn't help (no offense, honey! :)). So anyway, here were are in the midst of Week 4 of illness and yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day...Charlie slept hardly at all, cried most of the day, whined for me to hold him for long periods of time, etc. And my attitude left much to be desired, to be honest. So after crying a lot, receiving a loving lecture from Ryan :) and just doing some thinking, I decided that no matter how much rest I'm getting, I just need to get up a little earlier to get a head start on the day before Charlie wakes up in the morning. So today, I got up "early" (6:30 a.m. may seem late to some but not to this pregnant momma!), spent a few minutes reading and praying, ingested some caffeine and watched Today, got dressed in some lovely gym attire, brushed my teeth and when I got Charlie out of his crib, I felt much more ready for my day. It really is worth it to get up earlier than your family. I guess Proverbs does have a few good pointers! Anyone else out there come to this same conclusion?

Speaking of Proverbs...a few months ago, I started out on my own quest to discover what the Bible has to say about women and their roles and responsibilities. I really honestly can't stand the normal Christian "Woman" books (anything by Elizabeth Elliot being an exception). I have yet to read even one that I like or would recommend to others. For once, I wanted to know what the Bible says instead of reading what everyone else thinks the Bible is saying. I started with Proverbs 31 (of course) and haven't left yet. There is so much in this passage that I'm really taking my time and trying to apply it to my life right now. I highly recommend a slow reading of this chapter and Matthew Henry's Commentary on these few verses.

In other news, this Thursday we have the big ultrasound, the one where the sex of the baby is revealed. Boy or girl, I'll be happy for either. I just want a healthy baby.

The picture...during a 48-hr respite from illness a week or so ago, Charlie enjoyed his first lolly pop at a friend's birthday party. Needless to say, he loved it!

Dear Sesame Street

I just wanted to take a few minutes to let you know about my disapproval of a recent broadcast / recently released DVD. The broadcast I’m referring to was focusing on the family but unfortunately, I’m not sure of the exact name. In any case, the show was interesting, educational and stimulating for my eighteen-month old son (who is, by the way, totally obsessed with Elmo) and for that I thank you.

However, one brief clip ruined not only this episode but my entire opinion of and trust in the Sesame Street organization as a whole. In this clip, different types of families were being showcased: families with one parent, families with two parents, families of different races, etc. This was all fine and good until a picture of a family with two mommies and two daddies appeared on screen. This to me is completely unacceptable – not only is this type of family not yet mainstream: it is not even legally sanctioned! As far as I know, same sex parents cannot yet adopt children jointly. Additionally, neither the federal government nor the majority of our states have yet to embrace homosexual marriage. Same sex families are against my moral and religious beliefs and it is for this reason that I primarily object to this clip. However, I also object based on the facts above: this type of family is not yet mainstream or legally sanctioned in this country. We must draw the line somewhere and I insist that it be drawn based on legal precedent. If not there, where is it drawn? Should I expect next week or next year to see a picture of a mother, horse and child displayed as a type of family?

I also believe that Sesame Street, as a non-profit organization, should be less focused and engaged in current political hotbeds and more focused on its primary objectives:

"The [Sesame] Workshop is committed to the principle that all children deserve a chance to learn and grow; to be prepared for school; to better understand the world and each other; to think, dream and discover; to reach their highest potential."

Advocacy entertainment is not appropriate for young children, and on controversial issues, I prefer that the education of my children be left to my judgment and guided by my moral standards. By engaging in this very controversial social battle, Sesame Street has abused the trust and lost the respect of many parents across the nation and the world.

I take this issue quite seriously and request a response to my concern at your earliest convenience. Thank you in advance for your attention to this very important matter.


Submitted to
http://www.sesameworkshop.org/aboutus/inside_contact.php

Antibiotics - Week 2

We are on Week 2 of yet another round of antibiotics for Charlie. The nasty summer cold he sported during our beach week turned into a horrific ear infection last week. Poor baby, I didn't catch on that he was still ill until he a) had a 103 degree fever one afternoon and then b) was up for 3 hours in the middle of the night, crying. This child slept through the night (9 hours) at 5 weeks and has continued to sleep 16 hours a day since then. I'd estimate that he has been awake in the wee hours about 4 times since he was 6 weeks old. So I definitely knew something was wrong. We went to the doctor last Tuesday (as in a week and 2 days ago) and left with a diagnosis of an ear infection, soar throat and sinus infection. After a day on his medicine, he rallied and we enjoyed a few days in Savannah while Ryan was in AZ, studying for his upcoming Pulmonary boards. And then this week...more sickness. Charlie has refused to nap, refused to play and so finally, back to the doctor today for us...the ear infection is back in full force. So he received an antibiotic shot and a prescription for yet another week's worth of antibiotics. :( AND an appointment with an ENT surgeon for a tubes consultation, this being his 10th ear infection or something like that. So...this is a request for info. Anyone out there dealt with tubes? Do they help? Are they a pain to care for? Is the procedure to insert them just awful? Three straight weeks of antibiotics and a shot is certainly not a walk in the park so I'm ready to explore alternatives. :)

Also, anyone have any tips for the awkward 18-month stage / dropping the morning nap? It's not going so well for us!

Home

We're back from a busy week in Savannah and Daytona, thoroughly enjoying ourselves and Ryan's parents in the sun and sand. It was thankfully MUCH cooler in Florida than it has been in Georgia recently so we were cured, at least temporarily of our 105+-degree temp-induced cabin fever.

However, though we had a blast and really enjoyed spending time together as a family, I did learn (or re-learn) that mothers of young children absolutely do NOT go on vacation. Or at least a vacation is not really a vacation for the mother. Murphy's Law for Charlie's young life is that he is always sick when we take vacation or go on trips. It's been this way since he was about 3 months old. And when he's sick, he wants me. End of discussion. Crying, whining, tired, and desperate for mom. That pretty much defines Charlie when he's not feeling well. And add to that the uncertainty and newness of a strange condo, and well, that spells not much time off for this mom. Ryan was nice enough to man the battle stations for a few hours so that I could enjoy some beachside reading time but much of the time, I was on Charlie duty, reading on our balcony while he slept. Thankfully we had a beautiful 9th-floor balcony facing the ocean...it really was quite a pleasant spot for reading and thinking and such. I finished reading Honey for a Child's Heart (GREAT book, by the way) and delved into Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson, which is exactly what I needed to be reading. I think that Charlie is the kind of kid Dr. Dobson had in mind when he wrote this book: "all afterburner and no rudder." Charlie also proves his point that "one of the scariest aspects of raising boys is their tendency to risk and limb for no good reason. It begins very early. If a toddler can climb on it, he will jump off it. He careens out of control towards tables, tubs, pools, steps, trees and streets...his mom has to watch him every minute to keep him from killing himself." That defines Charlie to a T. As several close friends and family members have said, "he's just making up for lost time." Sometimes I just cannot believe that this is the same kid who couldn't sit up a mere 6/7 months ago! I literally save him from injury or death multiple times a day. Anyway, all this to say that combined with Charlie's sickness and just being Charlie, I was struck with the reality that a vacation is not a vacation for me. Sure it's a break from the usual routine and a nice change of scenery...some quality time with friends and family and a lot of good food. But a "vacation" in the normal sense of the word? NO WAY.

And I have to admit: I was not OK with that several times during the course of the week. As I fed my sick little boy his lunch and wiped his nose for the hundredth time, I was secretly pouting and feeling sorry for myself that I was not enjoying my "vacation." And then would come the guilt over even entertaining such a thought. And then more self-pity for the guilt. It was a never-ending cycle. And I realized that God was dealing with me...using Charlie's neediness to show me the ugly parts of my heart, the parts still in need of refining. And so I repented and begged for JOY and PEACE in serving my family, for the ability to give up my FAVORITE things for them (which, incidentally, could be reading by the beach or pool :)). This was my issue du jour of last week, turmoil going on inside my heart: thankful for the privilege of mothering Charlie, ashamed for my selfishness and sin and oh-so-thankful for the forgiveness and healing that can be found in Christ. Without Ryan and Charlie, I would probably still be thinking that I'm overall a pretty good person...hard worker, honest, faithful friend, etc. But because and through them, I'm able to really see myself, and as a result of God's grace in my life, become a more peaceful, unselfish and giving person. And I've been able to taste and see God more in all of this - this IS his plan for my sanctification, not just some accidental issue I have stumbled upon. God is really doing some business in my heart, and further proof is what I read just yesterday, in the chapter on mothers and sons in Bringing Up Boys...

"Your task as a mother, in conjunction with your husband, is to build a man out of the raw materials available in this delightful little boy, stone upon stone upon stone. Never assume for a moment that you can "do your own thing" without serious consequences to him. I believe this task must be your highest priority for a period of time. It will not always be required of you. Before you know it, that child at your feet will become a young man who will pack his bags and take his first halting steps in to the adult world. And then it will be your turn. By all expectations, you should have decades of health and vigor left to invest in whatever God calls you to do. But for now, there is a higher calling. I feel obligated to tell you this, whether my words are popular or not. Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility. Besides, living by that priority when kids are small will produce the greatest rewards at maturity."

So there you have it. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and joy when I read these words, knowing that the sacrifices required by motherhood are truly for the best; best for me and my sanctification, best for Charlie and his life, worth it in the end for all of us and most importantly, designed and mandated by the One who created all of this.

So

So we're in Savannah...I'm typing from my sister's computer. Ryan has been working all week-end and tomorrow we head to Daytona Beach for a week in the sun and sand with Ryan's parents at their timeshare. We stayed with them at their place at the Tropic Shores resort last year and had a blast. After a long week-end of me taking care of Charlie solo and Ryan working, we're ready for some fun...and good food! Hopefully my camera will come through and I'll have some good pictures when I return!!

Just wanted to let everyone know that it is currently 101 degrees in lovely Augusta, GA. The heat index is only 106. It will hit 110-115 before this beautiful day is over. Yesterday we broke a high temp record from 1857. Eat that, Barry Bonds.

In Savannah, my previous and future home, it's only 97 but it feels like 110. In Macon, GA it's 99 but feels like 106. In Atlanta, it's 98 and feels like 105.

Could it BE ANY HOTTER?

So...

So I didn't really quit my job. Somehow, after weeks and weeks of discussions, negotiations and the like, I gave in and decided to accept a position called "On-call Consultant As Needed." HHhhmm, we'll see how this works out. I'm officially in the system as a 5-hr a week employee. The jury is still out as to whether or not this arrangement is going to work. And due to all the negotiations, etc that have taken place over the past few weeks, my original last-day-of-work was not July 27, as I originally intended. Rather, last Friday was my last working day, with this Friday being the last day of my full-time position. It worked out this way as we didn't settle on this arrangement until last Friday, resetting my 2-week notice period. But thankfully, my boss allowed me to take this week as vacation. So basically, I'm getting paid through August as a full-time employee, though I only worked one week (because we are on a 2-week pay delay). In any case, as confusing as it has been and still is, today was my first day of freedom.

So I woke up with an excruciating migraine, my pregnancy treat Du jour. Last time around I was plagued with migraines until about Week 17. This time I've been plagued with severe nausea, preventing me from eating just about everything and now the migraines have set in. *sigh* But after one pain pill, one half of a phenergan and lots of water, I finally emerged from Migraine Hell. I was so excited to be feeling better that I celebrated by joining the YMCA, buying cleaning supplies from Dollar General (great deals can be found at dollar stores!) and buying one of just about everything at Super Walmart.

Tonight I rejoin the world of meal preparation. It's been frozen food for the past 6 weeks but tonight, I'm braving the kitchen and preparing
Buffalo Chicken with Blue Cheese Dipping Sauce and Roasted Sweet Potatoes, a Food Network / Robin Miller original. Normally I love her recipes, so I'm excited.

Currently reading (since I now have time to read !!): Rock Star Momma by Skye Hoppus, Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson and Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss (obviously NOT in order of importance).

Week-end plans...to Macon, GA for a friend's white coat ceremony (basically an initiation into medical school official ceremony).

Things to do this week...organize my office, work with Charlie on animal names and sounds, attempt to workout a couple times, get the broken door-lock on our ghetto Kia Sorento fixed.

And then there were four...

You may be wondering: is this their baby???!!! The answer is "No" 'tho we have one just like it! Yes, it's true - if all goes well, we will welcome a second Baby Moody on Feb. 21st and we could not be more excited...and nervous. Once again, many changes at once...new baby, moving, new house, new job, etc. But it sure keeps life interesting!

I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow and today I heard the heartbeat...and it almost stopped mine. Though I've done this all before, it still amazes me and brings tears to my eyes. Carrying a child is a privilege and an honor (even though there are many things about pregnancy that I detest!) and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do it again.

Those of you with multiple children...I'll soon be pestering you with questions and begging for advice!

This morning I found Charlie reading The Little Black Book of Neurology. I think he wants to be just like his Daddy!

Jesse Tree

Anyone ever heard of a Jesse Tree? I hadn't either, until we joined First Pres in Augusta. It's basically an Advent calendar but instead of each day providing a gift or candy or some other treat (along with a verse or some other spiritual token :)), the Jesse Tree provides the family with a picture to represent one of the many important promises or hints of the coming of Christ, starting all the way in the Garden of Eden. It is a tree, or a large banner with a tree, that is decorated each week, usually by the children, with ornaments or objects that represent Old Testament events from Creation to the Birth of Jesus. The ornaments are traditionally handmade and for us, the tree is handmade as well as I spent all morning at a workshop at church, carefully crafting our first Jesse Tree. I was there for 5 hours and still didn't finish the tree! It was quite a lot of work to make all the ornaments by hand...tracing, cutting, ironing, using glitter paint, etc. So while a picture of the finished product will probably have to wait until oh, November, here are some pictures of the ornaments.

And lest you think I'm too crafty, take a closer look at my WORST ornament - praying hands that look nothing like their namesake...

Happy Saturday! I'm going to take a nap to recover from all my hard work this morning!

Breaking News!

It has been quite a busy summer for us...and we finally have some big news to share! First of all, as I have mentioned briefly in other posts, Ryan has been totally immersed in the job search for the past few months...we've been to Greenville (SC), made several job-focused trips to Savannah, head-hunters have been emailing and calling non-stop. And we've been thinking and praying and thinking and praying...what a big decision! Ryan has been so stressed for the past month in particular, really feeling the pressure to make a decision. This is the fourth move we'll make together and the third city we are choosing but it feels different, much different - the other moves were temporary. We knew we'd be in both Charlottesville and Augusta for a mere three years. But this time, this move is permanent. We hope it will be our last and if not our last, our last for a very long time. I have tried to be supportive and helpful but silent on this issue...Ryan has committed 14 years of post-high school training (rigorous training, during what many consider to be the "best years" of one's life) to his career and I wanted this choice to be HIS to make. Anyway, in recent weeks he narrowed his options to two practices in Savannah, one private practice job and one hyprid of private practice and academics. And this is where he really began agonizing as both choices-very different from one another-are good opportunities. So to make an already long story short: we headed to Savannah last Monday evening (July 2) for him to meet with one of the practices and to enjoy some time with my family at the beach. On Tuesday morning he awoke early and headed for his meeting. Three hours later he called me and said, "Well, I have a job. I signed the contract." So it's now official - we are headed to Savannah next June for Ryan to join a private practice group! He is thrilled and believes this IS the job for him. And while we are are nervous, we really believe in our family motto: Nil desperandum Christo duce (where Christ leads never fear). And for the record: I'm so proud of and excited for Ryan - he's dreamed about this since he was a little boy. Congratulations, honey! I love you!

In other news, I gave my notice on Monday. My last day as a slave to corporate America is July 27. My conversation with my boss went well, even better than the best case scenario I could have imagined. He was so kind in his response and did express sadness (which of course I would want him to do after working so hard for so long! :-)). I was in tears by the end of our talk, realizing what a big step this was and how my life was about to change. I have not yet informed my co-workers, at his request, as we have a meeting Tuesday to discuss "alternatives" but regardless of what he has to offer, I've already made my decision. The sacrifices of time with my family and my personal sanity are just not worth it to me at this point. I've loved my job and been proud of my accomplishments but motherhood changes everything. And the kind of family we want to have does not allow for two stressful, high-pressure, all-consuming careers. I have been thoughts on this topic but those will come later... Charlie and my nephew - they are six months apart and they LOVE each other. It will be fun for them to grow up together in Savannah!


A blurry shot of us on the beach waiting for the fireworks to begin.
The sisters and their boys...looking a little tired. :)

World's Worst Blogger

Yep, that's me. I know it. But I'm sure none of you have missed me anyway, sniff sniff. :)

I'm going to re-enter blogosphere by participating in a fun little blogging game sent to me by Jill. I'm too tired and overworked to understand what this is myself but click here for an explanation...

1. “What were you doing 10 years ago?”
Graduating from high school and getting ready for college! It's my big reunion year!

2. “What were you doing 1 year ago?”
Working, mothering, etc.

3. “Five snacks you enjoy:”
Smoothies, cheese, chips & salsa, yogurt, granola sans almonds (hard to find, I'm allergic to almonds)

4. “Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:”
Baby Got Back, Bohemian Rhapsody, Be Thou my Vision, Amazing Grace, And Can it Be (random assortment, huh?)

5. “Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:”
Buy beach houses, re-decorate them and sell them for a profit (keeping a few for myself); start medical clinics in various parts of Africa; purchase a new wardrobe (sorry, I have to be honest here!); support the International Justice Foundation; pay off Ryan's loans :)

6. “Five bad habits:”
Surfing the net; stressing out; sleeping in; falling in love with um, questionable TV shows (Desperate Housewives, HBO's Big Love); gossiping

7. “Five things you like doing:”
Writing, working out, cooking / entertaining, shopping, getting pedicures

8. “Five things you would never wear again:”
bone-colored pumps, culottes, jumpers, tiny bikinis, high-rise blue jeans

Now, I’m supposed to tag 5 other bloggers who are supposed to answer these questions on their blogs. So: Amy Claire, Ethan (Megan), Maryanne, Posey, Maxeys (Katherine), go for it!

Mother's Day was a great day for me, for our family. And not only because Ryan gave me a beautiful red camera and 2 precious cards. It was also wonderful because I really started to believe that motherhood IS worth it...worth the wider hips, decreased funds, larger thighs, darker under-eye circle, increased responsibility, more for others, less for me. Sacrificing yourself for someone else is sanctifying and overall, I find myself to be less selfish, less anal, more loving, more tender-hearted and overall more grown-up as a result of mothering Charlie. And those are good things.

Speaking of motherhood, I'm throwing a baby shower for an Augusta friend tomorrow. So tonight I'll be baking and washing china. I adore and take advantage of any opportunity to pull out the Lenox Pearl Platinum :). I'll be sure to document and post some pictures of the festivities.

Charlie was so excited to see the goats and chickens at a local petting zoo.

The (Nearly) Finished Product

We are missing the third (top) shelf but overall, I'm very pleased! My little sister's blurry, cheap camera just does not do it justice! :) Ryan did a great job of hanging the shelves (which we found at Lowe's; the Target shelves didn't work). The shelves ended up being a little more expensive than we'd originally thought but we love it...and we spent about 1/9 of what we'd have spent if we bought the "look" from Pottery Barn! I have wanted a china cabinet since we moved in but budget and space issues have prevented us from finding and purchasing one. But patience has its rewards - I like this setup better than any others I have seen in stores or magazines and I just can't stop looking at it. :) I'll post another (hopefully more clear) picture after we find and hang the top shelf, which needs to be more shallow and ledge-like as opposed to a shelf like the other two.

The $12 cabinet is still by favorite purchase...with a fresh coat of paint and some new knobs, it sure is a looker!

Cheers!

What I'm doing today

Today my plan is to attempt to recreate this "look" from Pottery Barn using a $12.21 cabinet/small hutch purchased from Goodwill and a few shelves from Target. Wish me luck!

Note - my cabinet/small hutch has doors. Open, floor-level china cabinets and toddlers do not mix well.

I also spent the morning wandering around our neighborhood as today is the annual community-wide yard sale. I scored some Tonka trucks for Charlie for $1 each! Good deals put me in such a good mood...it's going to be a good day!

Happyp Saturday !!

Fight for those who can't fight for themselves

Today I checked my email and found this article from desiringgod.org, John Piper's organization. It's been a long week and as I read this email, I heard these words in my head, repeated many times by my parents over the years, "I'll give you something to cry about!" Talk about a quick change in perspective...

[Note - Normally I'm not a fan of trying to combat the pro-choice movement with graphic descriptions or pictures of the "procedures" involved in abortion but in this case, the words are directly from the Supreme Court's opinion. So disturbing it is, but very worth the read.]

"Let the Python Eat Its Tail. Amen.

April 25, 2007 By John Piper

Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the opinion of the Supreme Court in upholding the ban on partial birth abortions on April 18, 2007. It is astonishing to read the opinion. The detail with which abortion is discussed exceeded my expectation. Kennedy’s own descriptions of the various forms of abortion are explicit and extensive. Descriptions of the procedure of partial birth abortion (“intact dilation and extraction”) are given from both doctors’ and nurses’ perspectives.

For example, one nurse described the procedure on a twenty-six-week-old “fetus” as follows—and remember this is a quote from Justice Kennedy’s official Supreme Court decision:

Dr. Haskell went in with forceps and grabbed the baby’s legs and pulled them down into the birth canal. Then he delivered the baby’s body and the arms—everything but the head. The doctor kept the head right inside the uterus. . . . The baby’s little fingers were clasping and unclasping, and his little feet were kicking. Then the doctor stuck the scissors in the back of his head, and the baby’s arms jerked out, like a startle reaction, like a flinch, like a baby does when he thinks he is going to fall. The doctor opened up the scissors, stuck a high-powered suction tube into the opening, and sucked the baby’s brains out. Now the baby went completely limp. . . . He cut the umbilical cord and delivered the placenta. He threw the baby in a pan, along with the placenta and the instruments he had just used. (p. 8)

There is a certain irony to the argument for the Supreme Court’s ruling. One argument against the necessity of a health exception for the mother was that alternative methods of abortion are legally available, if necessary, even at this late stage in the pregnancy. For example, the ordinary D&E (dilation and extraction). The irony is that the Court concedes that the “the standard D&E is in some respects as brutal, if not more, than intact D&E” (p. 6). In other words, in normal, legal abortions, the baby is torn apart limb from limb while still in the womb, but in a partial birth abortion, the baby is mercifully spared the dismemberment and his brains are quickly sucked out of his head.

Such are the contorted conditions in which we find ourselves: The proposal of a manifestly barbaric law (permitting the dismemberment of a partially born child) is defeated by the legal standing of a more barbaric law (permitting the dismemberment of a child in the womb). But the history of Providence has many such stories to tell—great evils finally being self-destroyed, like a python swallowing its own tail.

Pro-abortion politicians tremble as they see it coming. Barack Obama worries that “this ruling will embolden state legislatures to enact further measures to restrict a woman’s right to choose.” The Supreme Court erred, he said, because partial birth abortion is “a matter of equal rights for women.”

This use of catch phrases is surely tired. “Right to choose.” “Equal rights for women.” The grandchildren of the sixties are waking up to the vagueness and danger of those phrases. Right to choose what? Anything? All laws that protect children limit the rights of moms (and dads) to choose. You can’t choose to starve them. You can’t choose to lock them in closets for three weeks. You can’t choose to abandon them. You can’t choose to strangle them five minutes after they are born.

And “equal rights for women”—equal with whom? Equal with the irresponsible dad. Dad has sex and bears no responsibility for the baby. Mom should be equally able to have sex and bear no responsibility for the baby. Young people are looking at this and saying: Something is wrong with this picture. Maybe our lives are as broken as they are because our parents have twisted their hearts and minds so deeply to justify equality in irresponsibility.
Hilary Clinton opposes the Supreme Court decision because “the rights and lives of women must be taken into account.” Yes. That is mainly what this forty-page opinion of the court does. Read it. And it will be interesting whether Senator Clinton will have any opinion about moms and dads who want to abort their little girls, but not their little boys. I think the younger generation may ask the senator: Should the life of little women be taken into account, or only big women?

I pray that ahead and behind of the delegalization of abortion will flow waves of inner repentance as we awaken to the outrage of assaulting God’s image-bearers in the very moment of his knitting them together in their mothers’ wombs (Psalm 139:13). "

...a small victory this week. It's times like this that I'm reminded: we are winning.

Sermon Notes

On Sunday our pastor preached on 1 Jn 1:5-10, the well-know passage about walking in the light. During the course of the sermon I realized that I had not ever really understood exactly what was meant by "the light." He solved that for me by defining what is meant by "walking in the light": we need to expose and be exposed in our sin and brokenness. He further emphasised this point by saying that living a transparent life before the world is the only way to have true relationships - with God, our spouses, children, others and ultimately even ourselves. To paraphrase George Robertson: "If we are not confessing our sins to others and admitting the gap between what I am and what I say, it will be difficult to have real, authentic relationships with God or others." It was a very convicting and enlightening sermon for me, and it particularly hit home when he applied this point to last week's events at VA Tech by saying that we are all broken, flawed, imperfect and abnormal - every single human being is in need of the same thing: relationship with Christ who is in the business of restoring brokenness, flawed humanity and real community. He expressed his sorrow and sadness for the gunman in last week's events, who was so rejected, despised and broken that he did what he did. A creature in the image of God reduced to such sadness and evil. He is culpable for sure, and my pastor emphasized that fact over and over but he said "Could his story have been different?" He pointed out that the common theme in these horrific school shootings we've all witnessed over the years is not only the weapons used to commit the offenses, rejection, bullying and pain are all there as well. He finished up his aside on VA Tech by challenging us, seemingly looking everyone in the congregation right in the eyes and saying, "Let none of you think you are the standard for normalcy...live honestly and openly about your brokenness and need of a Savior." This challenged me personally in ways I don't yet understand and it challenged me as a mother to really pray for Charlie, pray that he has a soft heart for others, that he will be the one to reach out in love for the unlovely or the "un-cool." Jesus did that, after all - tax collectors, women, prostitutes? Surely we comfortable Americans-American Christians in particular-can pray for softer hearts and true compassion for the people in our society who are in need of real community and real healing.

On a lighter note, :) CHARLIE IS WALKING!! Talk about an answer to many, many prayers - 4 months ago he couldn't sit up or crawl. He's met 90% of his major milestones in such a short period of time and we could not be happier! Here are some pictures from the week-end...

Tired

I am tired. Very tired. Ryan and I have both been working a ton for the past few weeks and I just can't seem to get the rest I need. Ryan has been on call every other night, making very difficult for either of us to catch up on sleep. And I'm definitely starting to feel my age. :) I think I just need some down time as I've been out of town for the past 3 week-ends. I am really too tired to think right now, it's hitting me all of the sudden. So I'll stick to lists. I am a list person. I could make lists in my sleep.

Things I'm loving right now:
1. My new "Meals for a Month" strategy. I've saved lots of time and money. I hope to perfect this habit in May.

2. The bagged salads that come with all the fixins, including dressing. This week we've had 2 different varieties and I loved both - Asian Supreme and Restaurant-style Poppyseed something-or-other. Both were fantastic.

3. Our new small group. We are studying marriage and it's excellent so far! Believe it not, it's the first marriage study we've ever done in our nearly 5 years of marriage.

4. The brand-new portable DVD player we bought for our many road trips. I scored it off ebay for $80, instead of the $125+ we thought we were going to have to pay!

5. Date night. We have a babysitter tomorrow night and are going out with some friends.

6. The office. Hands-down best TV show ever (next to Desperate Housewives).


Things I'm neutral about:
1 - The cupcakes I made for a party tonight. I had grand visions of chocolate cupcakes, lemon-yellow icing and black polka dots but now it just looks like globs of cake got stuck to the icing...or bugs landed on the cupcakes and I didn't bother to shoo them away. Oh well.


Things I'm not loving right now:
1. Mean kids

2. Not having time to do any of the fun projects on my list. I really want to embroider these cute little fruit and veggie designs in last month's Martha Stewart magazine.

3. How tired I am! What happened to the Emily of endless energy??

4. Ryan's job hunt. This is the real deal, the place where we'll likely end up living for quite some time. It's our 3rd time to choose a city together but this time it's much more stressful. The finality of this choice is what makes it so hard. I hope we know something soon!

5. The chaos and fickleness of corporate America. Just make personnel decisions and stick to 'em, already!

6. Rotator cuff tendonitis - when is my shoulder going to feel better?


Happy Friday!

A Void

I'm really missing my camera. I can't believe it left us so suddenly. One minute it was alive and well, capturing our lives with such dignity even though it was about 5 years old and quite possibly the first digital camera ever made. I really wanted to sell some things on ebay, take Easter pics, etc but no, my camera had to die on us. Very depressing.

I am really going to be missing my camera this week-end. We're headed to Savannah to throw a big 30th wedding anniversary party for my parents. These days people just don't stay married for 30 minutes much less 30 years so this milestone is definitely cause for celebration. We're co-hosting the party with my sister and brother-in-law and have really been saving our pennies...we're having it catered by some church friends in Savannah. We're each making a dessert - Anna is making some kind of blueberry cake and I'm making the famous Paula Dean Not Yo' Mama's Banana Pudding, as banana pudding is my Dad's favorite. This recipe is particularly tasty and a little bit different from other banana puddings I've tasted. And it looks pretty in a trifle bowl. I've been hard at work on a memory book of sorts to present to them at the party. Hopefully it will turn out OK...


There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.
- Martin Luther

Informal poll

I'm just wondering what everyone thinks of this -

http://www.biblicalwomanhood.com/index.htm

Wow - it's been awhile!

I just realized that it has been quite some time since I last posted. I'm sure I was sorely missed. :)

The Wedding:

Very fun and very tiring! It was beautiful and everything turned out just right - just like Katie imagined it...except my camera didn't make it. It died the night of the wedding. Janelle emailed one picture from the rehearsal dinner -

I missed Charlie like crazy but my family took good care of him - he plenty of people to entertain him, that's for sure!

Me:

One big reason why I haven't posted is that I've been dealing with some kind of shoulder injury since early last week. I have no idea how it happened - maybe incorrect push-up position - but I've been to the dr and have been diagnosed with tendonitus of my rotator cuff. It really stinks and everytime I think it's getting better, I overdo it or move it funny and re-injure myself. :( So tomorrow I'm taking a sick day and staying off my computer all week-end in hopes of finally recovering. We'll see!

I'm also experimenting with a new meal plan this month - meals for a month. Janelle gave me this idea and I'm giving it a try: plan all your meals for a month and make one big trip to the grocery (for me this turned into one big trip to the grocery and one big trip to Sam's). Then just go to the store for the fresh stuff you need once a week. Supposedly this will save time and money. We'll see. I'm all for saving money since Ryan and I put ourselves on this big-time budget. :)

In other news, my most recent and most fashion-forward Spring wardrobe addition: bright yellow patton-leather flats with a small pointy heal. They look fabulous with white pants and jeans. These shoes were very budget-friendly, weighing in at a whopping $9.99. I got the idea of yellow shoes from one of the fashion segments during the 9:30 segment of Today.

Work:

We are going thru a big "re-org" at my office, a corporate re-structuring if you will. Think The Office - Branch Closing episode. It should be interesting. I may be getting a new boss and a new team. Can't decide if that's good news or bad. Stay tuned.

I'm also working on trianing some resources "off-shore." (read: India). So my hours are very odd and believe it or not, Schoolhouse Rock- How a Bill Becomes a Law has been part of our training agenda.

Charlie:

He's turning into a little boy. :( His newest thing is an obsession with trucks. He drives them around the room, using his little sitting crawl. It's very cute. What is not cute, however, is how he expresses his frustration when he a) crashes the truck into something (a frequent occurance in our little house or b) turns it over and can't get it back on all fours. He throws a major fit. I think he's frustrated that his body can't do what his mind wants to do, but geez, I wish he'd be a little more polite about it.

Some pictures, courtesy of Janelle who came to visit this week...

(In the picture above, he's saying "Mmmm" because he is starvin' to death and loved what I'd just fed him.)

Easter plans:
Ryan is working all week-end (sad for us :( ) so Charlie and I are headed to Savannah. I don't want to spend the week-end alone. So we'll attend the big Easter egg hunt and pancake breakfast with my family at our home church Saturday morning and then spend the afternoon at the beach, all bundled up as we are going to have some record-cold temps in south GA this week-end!

Happy Easter!

Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!Where, O death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!Once He died our souls to save, Alleluia!Where thy victory, O grave? Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ hath led, Alleluia!Following our exalted Head, Alleluia!Made like Him, like Him we rise, Alleluia!Ours the cross, the grave, the skies, Alleluia!

Week-end away

I'm about to head out for a long week-end. College buddy Katie McKittrick is getting married and I'm a bridesmaid! Should be a fun week-end. BUT we are leaving Charlie for the first time...I'm dropping him off in Savannah before I head to Charleston. Pray for us - we are going to miss him!!!

Hopefully I'll be back Monday with lots of pictures from a beautiful spring week-end in the sunny south!

Today is Charlie's real birthday. In fact, we are coming up on the actual time of his birthday: 10:49 pm. Wow, what a long day. We won't "go there." :)

The party was great - many friends and family members were present. Charlie scored many good presents including two new vehicles! AND he took his first steps DURING THE PARTY. This is a major accomplishment for a kid who has only been sitting up for 3 months!! He is more than caught up developmentally now...what an answer to many, many prayers and much hard work!

I'm so tired now from a week-end full of company and a long day at work but here are a couple of pictures...more on the party later.

One year

Charlie is going to be one year old on Monday. I just cannot believe it - this year has gone by so quickly...we're having a big party for him on Saturday !!

As busy, challenging and changing as it's been for me, I wouldn't change one minute of the past year. I adore mothering Charlie; I love him more every day. I adore and am blessed to be Ryan's wife and I love him more every day as well. And mercifully, I love myself less. I still love myself very much to be sure, and if I don't get my workout or other agenda items checked off, I still pout :) but I can see progress.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my role as a wife and mother and what I want to provide for my family. My list seems wholesome, natural and harmless at first glance - I want to offer my husband and a children a clean, inviting home filled with lovely flowers and savory home-cooked food; I want to appear fashionably put-together at the grocery, at the door when anyone knocks and for Ryan when he returns home from work; I want to teach Charlie the catechism and read scripture to him over breakfast; I want to rise early, while the house is still quiet, and have my own time of reflection before heading out for a run. I want to read classics and learn to sew. I want to be brilliant and conscientious worker who is commended daily for her efforts on behalf of the company (this one is perhaps the most far-fetched :)). These goals are commendable to be sure but what I've realized lately is AT WHAT COST will they come? Is it possible to do everything? And really, the answer is simple - NO.

In the introduction to Section Five of Keep a Quiet Heart (a book I highly recommend, btw), Elizabeth Elliot quotes Elizabeth King: "In my attempts to promote the comfort of my family, the quiet of my spirit has been disturbed...this is of great importance, to watch carefully - not to over fatigue myself, because then I cannot contribute to the pleasure of others; and a placid face and a gentle tone will make my family more happy than anything else I can do for them. Our own will gets sadly into the performance of our duties sometimes."

This hit home so I'm in the process of weeding out unnecessary goals for this season of my life. It's a freeing thought and process...and exciting as well - these goals aren't being abandoned. I'm simply deffering them for a later season. I'll be sure to let you know what makes the keeper list. :)


P.S. Because I'm in the publishing industry, I feel the need to point out that I know that book titles should not be italicized. The problem is that I can't figure out how to underline in html. :)

Pictures!

He's very proud of himself for standing in the pack n play!




Is Charlie a yoga fan?

Warning: read at your own risk.

I have had a hard week filled with every emotion possible: overwhelming sadness, loneliness, rejection, exhaustion...and I have been torn about whether or not to discuss the subject on my blog. But tonight I suddenly realized-as I was sitting on the couch, watching Law & Order, and trying to finish up a last-minute project at work-that it would be OK to vent, to share...

Charlie randomly decided to quit nursing last week, last Friday morning to be exact, on Day 2 of our vacation. I didn't realize it at first, as he had just come down with a fever and an ear infection. He's done this before, not nursed well due to ear pain, so I thought he'd rally after starting on the antibiotics, after returning to our normal routine. But no, that has not yet happened. He's made it perfectly clear that he's finished, done, no longer content to be a nursing baby. I suppose he's ready to grow up, to move on to more exciting things, like crawling and destroying our home on an hourly basis. And I'm devastated, heartbroken, lost.

If you would have told me 11 months ago that I'd be saying this, I would not have believed you. I thought I would suffer through nursing for the standard 6 months, counting down the days until I could be "set free" from the burden of constant companionship. In my lactation class, the instructor asked me why I wanted to nurse. Without batting an eye, I answered, "To burn 500 calories a day." The health benefits for the baby was a side benefit in my selfish, selfish mind, the thought never occurring to me that nursing Charlie would become one of my most treasured memories and accomplishments. But it has, well, did - over the past 11 months I learned things as a nursing mother that I never would have learned otherwise. First and primarily, I learned to be *still*, something that does not come naturally to me. I learned the value of taking time to breathe in life, to stare into the precious eyes of my adoring son, to pray for his life and his salvation, to pray for myself and Ryan in our quest to parent Charlie and his future siblings and to just rest. Secondly, I became a much less selfish person, will to sacrifice my schedule, physical demands and just general preferences for someone else. It has been very sanctifying. And lastly, I learned that doing what I was made to do can bring so much fulfillment, joy, peace and happiness.

Was nursing inconvenient? Yes, sometimes it would have been nice to get away for longer than 3 or 4 hours, to have a night away with Ryan or a full night of sleep as a mother to a newborn. But it was absolutely, 100% worth the price. I loved every minute of nursing my precious little son and I am so sad that this part of our relationship has ended. I wasn't ready for it...I had planned on weaning him slowly, one feeding at a time. I had imagined how our last feeding would look and had started preparing myself emotionally for that day (since I was planning to start weaning him when he turned 1). I've spent the last 2 days hoping that it wasn't really over but tonight, I know in my heart that it is. So I'm grieving (and undoubtedly dealing with some hormonal issues :)) and learning how to be a mom in this new stage of life we've just entered.

Side note: I do not apologize for broaching a sensitive topic in a public forum. God made women for this, physically and emotionally. And even though nursing is not for everyone or every baby, it is a beautiful thing. Our culture may disagree but that does not change the reality of the situation. And as a woman in 2007, nursing (and talking about it!) is my right. :)

Road tripping!

This week-end we are going skiing in North Carolina, at a ski area near Boone - Hawk's Nest Ski Resort. We are definitely excited - hopefully the slopes and tubing areas will be open. We are sharing a condo with my sister, brother-in-law and nephew but the whole fam is going (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). It should be fun and hopefully my parents will get to spend some extended time with Charlie, since we don't normally stay with them when we visit Savannah.





Cheers and happy week-ending!

28

Happy Birthday to me! I can't believe I'm 28...

We spent the week-end in Savannah, primarily because Ryan had a job interview yesterday (more on that later) but also because I wanted to spend my birthday with my family. We had a wonderful week-end - shopping, eating seafood, going to church, visiting old friends, etc. On Sunday (my actual birthday) my mom cooked a big lunch and my aunt brought a cake for me - my first cake in years! It was red velvet cake, my favorite. (Aside: learning to make red velvet cake from scratch is at the top of my list of culinary projects.) A few pictures from the week-end...

Charlie with my Uncle Hunter, my 10-year-old brother

A slightly blurry shot of my sister reading to Charlie and Tyson, my 17-month-old nephew (isn't he cute?:)) -

Charlie and his Grandmommy -

Ryan is now looking for "real" jobs, I can't believe it! It has been a long road (and it's not over yet - he doesn't actually finish until June '08) but the end is in sight. He spent yesterday at a practice in Savannah, hanging out at the hospital and getting a feel for the rhythm of the practice. There is a a lot of variety in pulmonary/critical care practices so this is going to be a big (and quite difficult) decision for us. Fortunately, he LOVED this practice so we are both relieved that we have at least one option on the horizon. In addition to this practice in Savannah, Ryan has also interviewed with a group here in Augusta and plans to interview in Greenville and Atlanta for sure, Charlotte and Columbia, SC are a "maybe" at this point.



Moving back to Savannah would be wonderful in many ways but also quite different from how I've always imagined our future. Having Charlie has made the possibility so much sweeter - he and Tyson are exactly 6 months apart and in addition to grandparents, Charlie will have a plethora of aunts, uncles and cousins to love and grow with. I never really thought we'd end up back there but Ryan admitted to me last night on the way home that he has always considered Savannah to be a real possibility. Time will tell...

Happy Valentine's Day !!

Little Vipers

One of my most beloved college professors, Dr. Krabbendam once said that children are "Little Vipers in Covenantal Diapers." Oh, Dr. K you were right - they sure are. My sweet little baby has morphed into a back-arching, temper tantrum-throwing little viper!

Example: Charlie is beyond obsessed with his toothbrush (of all things). As soon as he can get his little hands on any part of the handle, it's over. He releases piercing screams so loud you would think that he was on the verge of death. He then begins choking and coughing - nearly to the point of throwing up, he's crying so hard. It's UNBELIEVABLE. He cries so loudly and for so long that his normal before-bed reading with Dad routine has been disturbed. He can't even stop crying to read. And tonight he took it to a new level: as usual, he started crying and coughing and arching his back as soon as Ryan took away the toothbrush. So Ryan got him out, dressed him in his PJs, all the while Charlie was escalating...he kept getting louder and more upset, not catching his breath, etc. for a good 10 minutes. So Ryan skipped the reading, trying to calm him down with some rocking and singing. Still the kid screamed and arched. So in I go, ready to diffuse the situation with milk. But for the first time in his little life, milk did not do the trick. He arched and screamed and pulled and punched and all out refused to nurse. He screamed his little head off until I laid him in his bed. I rubbed his head for a minute or two, he turned over and feel asleep. As if to say, "If you won't give me what I want, I don't need you! Leave me alone!" I had to admit I was heartbroken. I sat on the couch and cried a few tears for my stubborn, independent little boy. who must learn that he does not always get what he wants...and for myself, mother no more to a sweet angelic baby, who sleeps and eats on command. Instead, here I am with a little sinner who needs love and discipline. I guess BabyWise was right when they said that getting them to sleep through the night was not the ultimate parenting prize. :)

Those who say people are born good certainly are mistaken. Ryan and I, miserable sinners that we are, do not throw ourselves into the floor/wall/tub and scream...and scream and scream and scream. His recent behavioral digression was not learned - it is deep within his dark litle heart. I'm now more convicted than ever to pray for his salvation and trust in the Covenantal promises that God made to me and Ryan. And to pray for us as parents - whew, there is so much to teach him!

Charlie's new trick

Look what Charlie learned how to do!

Being a perfectionist

I'm a perfectionist. Yep, it's true and it DRIVES ME NUTS. This quality often prevents me from doing things that I want and should do, since I'm too stubbord to try them if I don't have time to completely, fully and competently execute them. *sigh* One of those things that my perfectionism keeps me from doing is blogging because, being a wanna-be writer and employee of a publishing company, I want every post to be profoundly thought-provoking, beautifully written and superbly entertaining. Yeah, right. So this post is dedicated to imperfection: random thoughts and tidbits hastily thrown together, all revealing the benefits of me bucking my personality and trying to do things even if I know they won't be perfect! Yeah, me! :)

Being a perfectionist often keeps me from praying and reading scripture because I think that I have to have a huge chunk of dedicated time carved out and set aside for my "quiet time." And if I don't (which is all the time :)) I just avoid it all together. But lately I've tried to dedicate a few precious minutes to praying/reading/thinking and as a result, I've had some sweet time with the Lord, time during which he's made himself very real to me:

"Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you." Is. 49:15

I've loved this verse for years but now that I'm a mother, it has become even more real to me. And this week the Lord brought it to my mind, reminding me that he loves me more than I love Charlie and that he's not "out to get me" as I so often think during hard times...

Being a perfectionist has also kept me from really getting down and dirty with my sewing machine. I made an envelope pillow cover a few weeks ago and that was fun but I haven't done much since then. But on Saturday, I went to my sewing lesson and learned alot - satin stich, zigzag stich, how to make a buttonhole. It was a blast! So I signed up for 2 more sewing classes, one of which begins next week! I then came home and "made" (read: decorated) 2 burp rags for a friend who just had a baby. Aren't they cute?

And here's a picture of my first pillow!

Letting go of my perfectionist tendencies by using my machine has a ripple effect - it stops me from having my beautifully decorated table because the dining room table is the only place I have to sew...but it's worth it! Tonight I'm going to make a toile tote bag, if all goes well...we'll see! The fabric is barely visible in the bottom left-hand corner of the picture below, at the bottom of the fabric pile.

Finally, one tidbit not related to being a perfectionist: tt's been so cold here that Charlie has been wearing his hat quite often and his hair is really feeling the effects. Check it out!

Chaos

I don't do well with chaos...at all. I am a very "structured" and "organized" person who thrives on schedules and predictability. I've always known this about myself but motherhood has really opened my eyes to the extreme nature of my personality. And I'm not sure what to do about it. Every single day of my life looks a little bit different and every single day is just packed with tasks and activities to the point that I don't even have time to eat. And along with the business has come some of the most intense guilt I've ever felt. I feel so guilty because it seems that life is just flying by and I'm not taking the time to enjoy it or the people who mean the most to me. I am most of the time too busy to even play with Charlie. I feed him, change him, love on him and take him on walks but I just don't have time to work full-time, cook/clean/launder and read with him or play with him. And by the time Ryan comes home, I'm too tired to even carry on a coherent conversation.

January has been especially difficult. Work has been very demanding as the pace of the new year picks up in corporate America. I've also been putting more pressure on myself to get more of XX done, to workout more, to clean more, to spend more time with Charlie and Ryan, to be a better friend/wife/mother, etc...

So what to do? I'm not sure. So right now, today, I'm praying for wisdom and the ability to rest. Something needs to change and I'm sure it needs to be me and my heart, always wanting more instead of being content with the, in actuality, beautiful chaos that is my life. Please pray for me. I need it.

To be continued...