2.01.2007

Chaos

I don't do well with chaos...at all. I am a very "structured" and "organized" person who thrives on schedules and predictability. I've always known this about myself but motherhood has really opened my eyes to the extreme nature of my personality. And I'm not sure what to do about it. Every single day of my life looks a little bit different and every single day is just packed with tasks and activities to the point that I don't even have time to eat. And along with the business has come some of the most intense guilt I've ever felt. I feel so guilty because it seems that life is just flying by and I'm not taking the time to enjoy it or the people who mean the most to me. I am most of the time too busy to even play with Charlie. I feed him, change him, love on him and take him on walks but I just don't have time to work full-time, cook/clean/launder and read with him or play with him. And by the time Ryan comes home, I'm too tired to even carry on a coherent conversation.

January has been especially difficult. Work has been very demanding as the pace of the new year picks up in corporate America. I've also been putting more pressure on myself to get more of XX done, to workout more, to clean more, to spend more time with Charlie and Ryan, to be a better friend/wife/mother, etc...

So what to do? I'm not sure. So right now, today, I'm praying for wisdom and the ability to rest. Something needs to change and I'm sure it needs to be me and my heart, always wanting more instead of being content with the, in actuality, beautiful chaos that is my life. Please pray for me. I need it.

To be continued...

3 comments:

Marlo said...

Isn't it amazing how we can "cover"- we can have all of this chaos going on inside and then still put on the happy "everthing is just fine" face.

It was great to hang out last Saturday night....and I will pray.
I hope you're not stressing yourself out!

maryanne helms said...

Em-

What can I say, but you are loved! I see God crafting such an amazingly good-hearted and patient woman out of you...though you may see only the flaws, I see such amazing character in you. i am blessed by your friendship, my dear friend.

Jill said...

Hey Girl, I feel your pain. Actually, a couple of weeks ago when I totally cracked under the pressure, I realized that I just needed to start praying that God might do a miracle and open up some free time. Now, He didn't answer with all kinds of free time--but enough so that I am not crying every day and feeling immensely guilty.

And, on the flip side, if you had all kinds of free time, you'd probably be dying of boredom, knowing your workaholic tendencies.

Speaking of work--I know I've asked you this before--but aren't you supposed to be part time?? If so, can you put your foot down and say your going to work the hours you are actually supposed to? Of course, I don't understand all of the ins and outs of your job--and I'm sure it's not that easy.